


In the shadow of eternity

by samaya



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguity, Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Mark of Cain, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 11:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2849837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samaya/pseuds/samaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is dying. This is not the first time and it won't be the last time. Only difference exists in the way he perceives his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the shadow of eternity

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd. Feedback is appreciated.

You are dying. You can sense it, like you can sense the cursed symbol on your arm. You know it in your bones, the crushing grip of death touches your soul.

You are dying. You hurt everywhere. Pain grounds you to the reality, allows you some more time before you are slipping in the oblivion.

You try to speak. Your lungs are punctured, useless. They barely allow you to breath, speaking is a herculean task, clearly impossible. Still you try.

Your brother is there. Your Sam is there. He's frantic, his hands support you, trying to bring you back to the life. He's calling your name, he's talking to you. You can hear him, but you don't understand the words. You don't understand the words.

Your eyes close. Its difficult to open them, its difficult to do anything.

You've heard the cliché. Every moment of life passes in front of your closed lids or some similar bullshit. A final review of a life before its annihilation. Does that really happen, you wonder.

You're a pro in this. You've died before. You've died hundreds of times. _when_? You still don't know, not even at this moment of death, but you know.

You remember hellhounds. You remember the unbearable pain and helplessness. You remember the feel of your guts getting ripped by a few determined mutts. Your skin still remembers the sharpness of their teeth, your soul can still remember the foulness of their breath.

You never forget hell. You can't. Your father was the first of your teachers, your heroes but he wasn't your last. You can't forget hell and you can't forget Alastair. Your mentor, your torturer, your lover. Your biggest admirer and your greatest foe. Your father had you for twenty-five years. Alastair had you for forty years. He had you for an eternity. You remember everything.

You were a gifted pupil. You were a betrayer of all that is good. You were the judge, jury and the executioner of all the corrupted souls. You were a lot of things in hell.

You were nothing in hell. Then, you were saved. Regrettably.

You did a lot of things. You started apocalypse. You were the righteous man. Biggest joke in the universe.

You died again, went to heaven, for a change. Heaven is colorless and mundane. Heaven is betrayal and dishonest. Heaven is a closed cage with no way out. You feel suffocated there. Your brother is there, with you.

You are an outsider in heaven. You are an intruder in your own brother's memories. The message is clear. Nobody wants you.You lose the amulet. You feel liberated.

Next time, you chose to die. Its limbo or something but its death, nevertheless. You meet Death and make a bargain with him.

You fail in the assignment. You always fail in everything. You get your brother back.( _the soulless version is gone, Death assures you. Its debatable. You have nightmares where your brother remains soulless cause he never had one in the first place_.)

You don't die for a long time after this. Your friend dies( _He betrays you, but that is nothing new. You were asking for it, you must have done something wrong_.)

Your godfather dies. Your brother is shattered from inside. You are impotent to stop anything.

Your hear your father's voice in the dark of the night. You are not good enough. You are not worthy of anything.

You didn't stop your brother's descent in darkness. Not before it was too late.( _You are a princess, family is supposed to hurt you. You are supposed to forgive_.)

You didn't do anything in the fight. You are a passive entity.( _You are not a part of this story, you never were_.)

You didn't stop your friend from taking over the world( _You are a mere human. You are insignificant. You just don't understand the way of angels_.)

You are truly impotent. Laughably so.

You open your eyes in Purgatory.

You see darkness everywhere, you see shapes in shadows. You see monsters.

You find them. You kill them. You have power here. You have purpose here. You are pure.

You meet someone. You meet a brother, you meet a friend. You meet a fellow comrade. You meet someone you can trust. You meet someone who respects you.

You find a way to come out. You did your penance in Purgatory. You are purified by this place.

Your brother is surprised to see you. Your brother is a stranger and you are not sure of anything. You still have Purgatory running in your veins and you don't want to fall in old traps. You had freedom and it was exhilarating.

You are defined by your past. You sacrifice your friend in the alter of brotherhood. You were asked to choose between your brother and your freedom. You were asked to choose between trust and betrayal and you chose the one who betrayed you. You will always choose him, you can't do anything else. You are still a child from inside, unable to choose for yourself.

Your brother asks for forgiveness. He asks for indentured servitude. You promise him everything. You promise him your soul. You were discarded in Purgatory like yesterday's trash and he didn't look for you. You killed your only friend for him.

It doesn't matter. Its not in you to deny him. It was never in you to deny him anything. ( _You didn't deny him that first kiss, did you? You let him fuck you after Jess's death and later cried in shower. You let him in after Ruby, you let him in after Purgatory. You will always let him in. You can't deny him. You don't know how_.)

You don't know from where these thoughts come to you, they sound like your own but they are not yours. You think it has to do something with the glowing mark on your arm, but you are too tired to think about the implications.

You are too tired to remember everything.

You vaguely recall tricking your brother. Letting an angel possess him.( _What were you supposed to do? He asked you to put everything before him. You gave your word, you are only following that word now_.)

You remember the betrayal of an angel. Was it Cas or was it someone else? You are not sure. Doesn't matter.( _You must have been asking for it, again_.)

Your brother cuts you deep with his words. You don't recall every word, you are not sure you can recall everything without shattering from inside. But you remember the crust, they are enough.( _You are not a hero, you hurt everyone, you only sacrifice when its convenient for you_.)

There is something here, something important. Something you are forgetting. You see the mark on your arm. You feel it in your soul. But you don't know anything else about it _.(Where did you get it, where?)_

You try to reach that dark corner of your mind, but you can't. The memories escape you, like water escaping through the fingers.( _Was it always there? Did Alastair gave it to you_?)

You don't know. It should scare you. It doesn't. You only feel powerful.

Your brother cradles your face in his hands, speaks to you in an unknown language. _(Sammy. Why now? You said you don't care. You never cared before.)_

May be he is scared of new you. May be he's scared that you'll ask for answers. You love this explanation. something inside you loves this explanation.

You are dying. Its time now and you are ready. You don't see a reaper. You don't see Death. You don't see the oblivion or God _.( You hate God. He reminds you of your father.)_

You see something else. You can't describe it. Its Purgatory and Hell, its pure and dark. Its entropy and creation.

You see the promise, you see the invitation.

You close your eyes and embrace it.

You die.( _There is a promise of rebirth here, you are sure.)_

You wake up in an agony of resurrection. Everything changes _.(Forever.)_


End file.
